When I think of depression, I think of a long corridor or hallway with a bunch of doors off of it that connect to others. For me my depression started off in a long black hall, it probably started about 5 years ago when my grandma died. Has I grieved I found a door with lights on and a hall with lights on.
Then in June of 2011 I was raped and I also lost my god mother, so I felt like I got pulled through a door with dark hallway and then when she died another hallway that was even darker. I tried dating again not too long after and I admit it wasn't the best idea, but it was my choice and I thought that dark hallway would never end. I had to get rid of my dog I had at the time, he was suffering from separation anxiety and I couldn't handle it. I was working with some trainers who agreed a new home was the best idea, I felt like I failed. That hallway felt like it got darker.
At the end of that August I missed having a 4 legged creature, I spontaneously looked on the internet for a cat. I saw a little black face and knew I had to meet her, well she was already adopted, but her brother was in a cage ignoring everyone, that was until I came to the cage.This kitten who was ignoring everyone else just seemed to come out of his shell for me on the spot, I was in love, that little guy stole my heart and I found another door and that hallway had more light and I didn't feel so alone in it anymore. My little guy earned his name has Mowgli. On nights that I wasn't sleeping well I'd move out to the couch and he'd lay with me while I watched T.V. I swear he knew when I was having nightmares and flashbacks, he'd butt his heads against my hand and demand attention.
Later that year in November I saw on facebook this post about a momma dog who was VERY pregnant and needing a foster, I have never felt so pulled to a dog. I got in touch with the contact at the Humane Society, was told she was due any day and needed out of her current foster. My roommate and I both just knew we had to take her. I was so nervous, I felt broken and like I had no right to another dog. Mowgli could mostly take care of himself and was independent, but it turns out I needed to be needed. That night I found another door, and it was so much brighter. I was in a hall with light and I felt hopeful. Lady and her 9 pups changed my world. When it came time to discuss where Lady would go after I found myself saying I was keeping her. She has been the light of my life.
When I met my boyfriend my PTSD settled and I didn't feel so on edge anymore, it was amazing, I was in control again and I felt amazing for the first time in so long. This man was willing to accept me for me and all that I am. For the first few months I was in shock and then I came to see that I could be whoever I wanted to be.
Our first winter came and I found my depression getting bad again, the dark hallway was coming back, I didn't know what to do. The next year wasn't so bad, I got things under control again once the weather came back around. Then we moved and it was so much stress. I was sliding back into darkness and I was scared, I didn't know how to communicate this to anyone.
I got the resources I needed and started counseling, then in April of 2014 my world was rocked and turned upside down. My dad had heart attack, spent 3 days in the hospital was sent home to recover and get better, instead on April 27 I woke up to a ton of missed calls and the news he was gone. I was yanked from a hallway that was lit like dawn and back to night, pitch dark and no end in sight. Losing a parent is something you can never be prepared for, this was a grief like I have never known, terrifying.
Now I'm in a hallway of dawn's light again, I know I'm on the edge of changes and I know if I don't make them I'm not going to reach my potential. I am scared, but I am ready for them. I hope my story helps someone else see you can make it through this life, even with depression or PTSD, it's completely possible.
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