Hey all, sorry for the hiatus, things have been well crazy. I have had a lot going on and had to pretty much do a 180 on my life.
Where to start, I guess at the beginning. Back on Christmas Eve, I was having some tech issues with my work from home job, I was going to have to go into the office and at the idea my anxiety was soaring. I went in to talk to my boyfriend, who said he didn't care and he couldn't do this anymore. I couldn't leave things like that and asked if he meant things with "us" or what. He said he was done with the constant issues on my part and wasn't sure he wanted to be with me anymore, and had been feeling that way for sometime, just wasn't sure. I was shocked, I thought things were getting to be a little much, but I thought if I worked on me things would be ok and even out. I was so very very wrong. After some discussion back and forth and me actually getting ready to leave, I felt like I was running away and didn't want to do that to a 2.5 year relationship. I told him I wasn't going to go anywhere and that I thought our issues could be worked on if we talked.
Well we talked and fought, things were said that can't be undone. I gave it 3 weeks, before laying in bed one night and not being able to sleep and he came to bed and I just couldn't do it anymore. All I was hearing was "I don't know" when I asked a question. I knew it was done and didn't see the point in dragging it out. I did one of the hardest things I've ever done and said "we're done aren't we?" He said we were and things went from there.
The next day I did an assessment for a partial hospitalization program at one of the mental health places here. It was one of the best things I've done for myself. Choosing to no longer let my PTSD, depression and anxiety rule my life has been so incredibly hard, but you know what? It's so freaking worth it. About a week into it, one of the amazing people I'm in group with, L, asked if I wanted to come stay with her and get out of the house with my ex, I took the weekend to think on it and saw it was a good idea.
I moved myself, and my ever patient dog an hour away with someone I barely knew and it has been a great choice. I'm with someone who understands my issues, is willing to support me and help me and I can return that. I have a lot of work to do on myself and I'll admit I'm scared of having to do some of it, but I know that at this point I have so many options and choices and I can mold my life to be what I want it to be. I have a huge support base and people who sincerely care about me and want the best for me, something I never really saw.
So has I will always end these, if you are a rape survivor or have depression or any other mental health issue and are afraid to get help, it IS scary, BUT it is very much worth it. There is hope and light at the end of the tunnel.
Until next time all!
