With recovery from anything, depression, addiction or physical illness there will be speed bumps. It could be anything from work, relationships or relapses. There is nothing wrong with hitting a speed bump, it will take a lot of work at times to make sure they don't turn into road blocks. The beauty of these speed bumps is that they keep up on track, they remind us that we are strong and able. We were strong enough to over come the initial issues, we are for sure strong enough to get over the speed bumps.
It takes having support from loved ones, whether they are blood or not, knowing when to seek professional help and that same stubbornness that got us through the first time. I have over come my own issues with mental health and at times it feels like no one understands, but please know that someone does you just sometimes have to take that big scary step of opening up to someone. Those of us with these issues have a duty to ourselves to see that speed bumps may happen and to make sure we have the information we need around us to help us then so we don't have to overwhelm ourselves. It's not being negative it's understanding that things aren't always going to be ok. The analogy I use is that I helped my mom find a lawn care service, we got things set up for my brother for when he passes because he's disabled. It's no different. It's preparing for the worst and knowing you have that plan.
Blessings and love to all reading this. I apologize if it's jumbled.
Wednesday, June 24, 2015
Friday, May 1, 2015
Dear Daddy
I want to start this off by saying that I know it's been awhile since I posted, it's been an interesting few months, I promise to catch you up in the next post. This one is for my dad though.
Dear Daddy,
I can't believe it's been just over a year since you left us. I still think about, talk to, and miss you everyday. You meant more to me than I ever realized and I wish it hadn't taken me losing you to see that. You were/are an amazing man. From being a firefighter, to a bus driver, to an amazing dad.
You always supported me and my choices, I know you didn't always agree with them, that support meant the world to me and it still does. While I wish you were here, I know I will still have that support, that support is one of the things that keeps me motivated. One of the motivators I have is wanting you to be proud of me and be a tribute to your name. You showed me that life is about finding your purpose and that purpose will lead to happiness. You showed me that sometimes being yourself isn't always what everyone expects from you and that's ok. I watched you be yourself and not care about what others thought and it inspired me.
I also saw you come up with ideas and follow through on them, more than once you'd get frustrated with something and have to keep trying, but you almost always got it done. You showed me how to be patient even if you have to dig down deep for it.
I have to say one of my fondest memories with you was when I had the foster kittens, you kept telling me I had to do all the work myself and you wouldn't help. I had my alarm set for bottle feedings and stuff to take them to work with me, first alarm went off and I got up to start feeding. There you were with a tiny kitten in your hands talking to her, coaxing her to eat with the look on your face you always had for babies. You looked at me and said "well I knew you needed sleep"
I've looked for pictures of you, just you and almost all of them you have a baby or kid with you. It's how I remember you, always in the thick of things. You showed me what to look for in a man, and what to accept and not to accept from people. I learned so much from you. I wish I could have learned more. I wish my future kids would have the chance to learn from you.
Here is a promise I will always have for you. I will never stop talking to you, I will never stop thinking about you. I will make you proud. I know I already have.
Love,
Your little girl
Dear Daddy,
I can't believe it's been just over a year since you left us. I still think about, talk to, and miss you everyday. You meant more to me than I ever realized and I wish it hadn't taken me losing you to see that. You were/are an amazing man. From being a firefighter, to a bus driver, to an amazing dad.
You always supported me and my choices, I know you didn't always agree with them, that support meant the world to me and it still does. While I wish you were here, I know I will still have that support, that support is one of the things that keeps me motivated. One of the motivators I have is wanting you to be proud of me and be a tribute to your name. You showed me that life is about finding your purpose and that purpose will lead to happiness. You showed me that sometimes being yourself isn't always what everyone expects from you and that's ok. I watched you be yourself and not care about what others thought and it inspired me.
I also saw you come up with ideas and follow through on them, more than once you'd get frustrated with something and have to keep trying, but you almost always got it done. You showed me how to be patient even if you have to dig down deep for it.
I have to say one of my fondest memories with you was when I had the foster kittens, you kept telling me I had to do all the work myself and you wouldn't help. I had my alarm set for bottle feedings and stuff to take them to work with me, first alarm went off and I got up to start feeding. There you were with a tiny kitten in your hands talking to her, coaxing her to eat with the look on your face you always had for babies. You looked at me and said "well I knew you needed sleep"
I've looked for pictures of you, just you and almost all of them you have a baby or kid with you. It's how I remember you, always in the thick of things. You showed me what to look for in a man, and what to accept and not to accept from people. I learned so much from you. I wish I could have learned more. I wish my future kids would have the chance to learn from you.
Here is a promise I will always have for you. I will never stop talking to you, I will never stop thinking about you. I will make you proud. I know I already have.
Love,
Your little girl
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
My return
Hey all, sorry for the hiatus, things have been well crazy. I have had a lot going on and had to pretty much do a 180 on my life.
Where to start, I guess at the beginning. Back on Christmas Eve, I was having some tech issues with my work from home job, I was going to have to go into the office and at the idea my anxiety was soaring. I went in to talk to my boyfriend, who said he didn't care and he couldn't do this anymore. I couldn't leave things like that and asked if he meant things with "us" or what. He said he was done with the constant issues on my part and wasn't sure he wanted to be with me anymore, and had been feeling that way for sometime, just wasn't sure. I was shocked, I thought things were getting to be a little much, but I thought if I worked on me things would be ok and even out. I was so very very wrong. After some discussion back and forth and me actually getting ready to leave, I felt like I was running away and didn't want to do that to a 2.5 year relationship. I told him I wasn't going to go anywhere and that I thought our issues could be worked on if we talked.
Well we talked and fought, things were said that can't be undone. I gave it 3 weeks, before laying in bed one night and not being able to sleep and he came to bed and I just couldn't do it anymore. All I was hearing was "I don't know" when I asked a question. I knew it was done and didn't see the point in dragging it out. I did one of the hardest things I've ever done and said "we're done aren't we?" He said we were and things went from there.
The next day I did an assessment for a partial hospitalization program at one of the mental health places here. It was one of the best things I've done for myself. Choosing to no longer let my PTSD, depression and anxiety rule my life has been so incredibly hard, but you know what? It's so freaking worth it. About a week into it, one of the amazing people I'm in group with, L, asked if I wanted to come stay with her and get out of the house with my ex, I took the weekend to think on it and saw it was a good idea.
I moved myself, and my ever patient dog an hour away with someone I barely knew and it has been a great choice. I'm with someone who understands my issues, is willing to support me and help me and I can return that. I have a lot of work to do on myself and I'll admit I'm scared of having to do some of it, but I know that at this point I have so many options and choices and I can mold my life to be what I want it to be. I have a huge support base and people who sincerely care about me and want the best for me, something I never really saw.
So has I will always end these, if you are a rape survivor or have depression or any other mental health issue and are afraid to get help, it IS scary, BUT it is very much worth it. There is hope and light at the end of the tunnel.
Until next time all!
Where to start, I guess at the beginning. Back on Christmas Eve, I was having some tech issues with my work from home job, I was going to have to go into the office and at the idea my anxiety was soaring. I went in to talk to my boyfriend, who said he didn't care and he couldn't do this anymore. I couldn't leave things like that and asked if he meant things with "us" or what. He said he was done with the constant issues on my part and wasn't sure he wanted to be with me anymore, and had been feeling that way for sometime, just wasn't sure. I was shocked, I thought things were getting to be a little much, but I thought if I worked on me things would be ok and even out. I was so very very wrong. After some discussion back and forth and me actually getting ready to leave, I felt like I was running away and didn't want to do that to a 2.5 year relationship. I told him I wasn't going to go anywhere and that I thought our issues could be worked on if we talked.
Well we talked and fought, things were said that can't be undone. I gave it 3 weeks, before laying in bed one night and not being able to sleep and he came to bed and I just couldn't do it anymore. All I was hearing was "I don't know" when I asked a question. I knew it was done and didn't see the point in dragging it out. I did one of the hardest things I've ever done and said "we're done aren't we?" He said we were and things went from there.
The next day I did an assessment for a partial hospitalization program at one of the mental health places here. It was one of the best things I've done for myself. Choosing to no longer let my PTSD, depression and anxiety rule my life has been so incredibly hard, but you know what? It's so freaking worth it. About a week into it, one of the amazing people I'm in group with, L, asked if I wanted to come stay with her and get out of the house with my ex, I took the weekend to think on it and saw it was a good idea.
I moved myself, and my ever patient dog an hour away with someone I barely knew and it has been a great choice. I'm with someone who understands my issues, is willing to support me and help me and I can return that. I have a lot of work to do on myself and I'll admit I'm scared of having to do some of it, but I know that at this point I have so many options and choices and I can mold my life to be what I want it to be. I have a huge support base and people who sincerely care about me and want the best for me, something I never really saw.
So has I will always end these, if you are a rape survivor or have depression or any other mental health issue and are afraid to get help, it IS scary, BUT it is very much worth it. There is hope and light at the end of the tunnel.
Until next time all!
Monday, January 12, 2015
My visualization of depression.
When I think of depression, I think of a long corridor or hallway with a bunch of doors off of it that connect to others. For me my depression started off in a long black hall, it probably started about 5 years ago when my grandma died. Has I grieved I found a door with lights on and a hall with lights on.
Then in June of 2011 I was raped and I also lost my god mother, so I felt like I got pulled through a door with dark hallway and then when she died another hallway that was even darker. I tried dating again not too long after and I admit it wasn't the best idea, but it was my choice and I thought that dark hallway would never end. I had to get rid of my dog I had at the time, he was suffering from separation anxiety and I couldn't handle it. I was working with some trainers who agreed a new home was the best idea, I felt like I failed. That hallway felt like it got darker.
At the end of that August I missed having a 4 legged creature, I spontaneously looked on the internet for a cat. I saw a little black face and knew I had to meet her, well she was already adopted, but her brother was in a cage ignoring everyone, that was until I came to the cage.This kitten who was ignoring everyone else just seemed to come out of his shell for me on the spot, I was in love, that little guy stole my heart and I found another door and that hallway had more light and I didn't feel so alone in it anymore. My little guy earned his name has Mowgli. On nights that I wasn't sleeping well I'd move out to the couch and he'd lay with me while I watched T.V. I swear he knew when I was having nightmares and flashbacks, he'd butt his heads against my hand and demand attention.
Later that year in November I saw on facebook this post about a momma dog who was VERY pregnant and needing a foster, I have never felt so pulled to a dog. I got in touch with the contact at the Humane Society, was told she was due any day and needed out of her current foster. My roommate and I both just knew we had to take her. I was so nervous, I felt broken and like I had no right to another dog. Mowgli could mostly take care of himself and was independent, but it turns out I needed to be needed. That night I found another door, and it was so much brighter. I was in a hall with light and I felt hopeful. Lady and her 9 pups changed my world. When it came time to discuss where Lady would go after I found myself saying I was keeping her. She has been the light of my life.
When I met my boyfriend my PTSD settled and I didn't feel so on edge anymore, it was amazing, I was in control again and I felt amazing for the first time in so long. This man was willing to accept me for me and all that I am. For the first few months I was in shock and then I came to see that I could be whoever I wanted to be.
Our first winter came and I found my depression getting bad again, the dark hallway was coming back, I didn't know what to do. The next year wasn't so bad, I got things under control again once the weather came back around. Then we moved and it was so much stress. I was sliding back into darkness and I was scared, I didn't know how to communicate this to anyone.
I got the resources I needed and started counseling, then in April of 2014 my world was rocked and turned upside down. My dad had heart attack, spent 3 days in the hospital was sent home to recover and get better, instead on April 27 I woke up to a ton of missed calls and the news he was gone. I was yanked from a hallway that was lit like dawn and back to night, pitch dark and no end in sight. Losing a parent is something you can never be prepared for, this was a grief like I have never known, terrifying.
Now I'm in a hallway of dawn's light again, I know I'm on the edge of changes and I know if I don't make them I'm not going to reach my potential. I am scared, but I am ready for them. I hope my story helps someone else see you can make it through this life, even with depression or PTSD, it's completely possible.
Then in June of 2011 I was raped and I also lost my god mother, so I felt like I got pulled through a door with dark hallway and then when she died another hallway that was even darker. I tried dating again not too long after and I admit it wasn't the best idea, but it was my choice and I thought that dark hallway would never end. I had to get rid of my dog I had at the time, he was suffering from separation anxiety and I couldn't handle it. I was working with some trainers who agreed a new home was the best idea, I felt like I failed. That hallway felt like it got darker.
At the end of that August I missed having a 4 legged creature, I spontaneously looked on the internet for a cat. I saw a little black face and knew I had to meet her, well she was already adopted, but her brother was in a cage ignoring everyone, that was until I came to the cage.This kitten who was ignoring everyone else just seemed to come out of his shell for me on the spot, I was in love, that little guy stole my heart and I found another door and that hallway had more light and I didn't feel so alone in it anymore. My little guy earned his name has Mowgli. On nights that I wasn't sleeping well I'd move out to the couch and he'd lay with me while I watched T.V. I swear he knew when I was having nightmares and flashbacks, he'd butt his heads against my hand and demand attention.
Later that year in November I saw on facebook this post about a momma dog who was VERY pregnant and needing a foster, I have never felt so pulled to a dog. I got in touch with the contact at the Humane Society, was told she was due any day and needed out of her current foster. My roommate and I both just knew we had to take her. I was so nervous, I felt broken and like I had no right to another dog. Mowgli could mostly take care of himself and was independent, but it turns out I needed to be needed. That night I found another door, and it was so much brighter. I was in a hall with light and I felt hopeful. Lady and her 9 pups changed my world. When it came time to discuss where Lady would go after I found myself saying I was keeping her. She has been the light of my life.
When I met my boyfriend my PTSD settled and I didn't feel so on edge anymore, it was amazing, I was in control again and I felt amazing for the first time in so long. This man was willing to accept me for me and all that I am. For the first few months I was in shock and then I came to see that I could be whoever I wanted to be.
Our first winter came and I found my depression getting bad again, the dark hallway was coming back, I didn't know what to do. The next year wasn't so bad, I got things under control again once the weather came back around. Then we moved and it was so much stress. I was sliding back into darkness and I was scared, I didn't know how to communicate this to anyone.
I got the resources I needed and started counseling, then in April of 2014 my world was rocked and turned upside down. My dad had heart attack, spent 3 days in the hospital was sent home to recover and get better, instead on April 27 I woke up to a ton of missed calls and the news he was gone. I was yanked from a hallway that was lit like dawn and back to night, pitch dark and no end in sight. Losing a parent is something you can never be prepared for, this was a grief like I have never known, terrifying.
Now I'm in a hallway of dawn's light again, I know I'm on the edge of changes and I know if I don't make them I'm not going to reach my potential. I am scared, but I am ready for them. I hope my story helps someone else see you can make it through this life, even with depression or PTSD, it's completely possible.
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
Why is it?
Let me preface this by saying this a post I've been thinking about for quite some time and has to do with the stigma attached to mental health issues.
Why is it, that a cancer patient gets empathy and sympathy, but a mental health patient gets pity and condescending? I have never and likely won't understand the stigma attached to mental health issues. It is an illness just like cancer, heart disease, Parkinson, arthritis, cystic fibrosis or any of those, but for some reason it has this ridiculous stigma attached to it, that takes so much effort and inner peace to overcome. I just don't understand why.
Why is there is this shame and stigma attached to my PTSD and depression? Why do those of us that suffer from mental health issues get told we're crazy or, my personal "favorite", "it's all in our head" and to "just get over it". All I can do is bite my tongue, roll my eyes and occasionally tell someone just how wrong they are. At the end of the day my depression is a chemical imbalance in my brain that needs to be treated or in some cases with the seasonal depression also a lack of vitamin D and sunlight. That all sounds clinical right? So why are people so quick to brush it off?
I am personally done with it, no more will I hide my issues or my story that is making me who I am. Would I have chosen this path for myself? Do I think my parents or siblings would have? No, but the fact of the matter is, it is MY PATH and all I can do from here is take charge and make myself a better person for it. Has someone who is a rape victim, this gives my attacker power that is not his right to have and he probably doesn't even know or care that he has it.
If you are reading this and feeling ashamed of something in your past, stop, it is so much easier said than done, I know and it is a process, and it's hard but it CAN be done.
Why is it, that a cancer patient gets empathy and sympathy, but a mental health patient gets pity and condescending? I have never and likely won't understand the stigma attached to mental health issues. It is an illness just like cancer, heart disease, Parkinson, arthritis, cystic fibrosis or any of those, but for some reason it has this ridiculous stigma attached to it, that takes so much effort and inner peace to overcome. I just don't understand why.
Why is there is this shame and stigma attached to my PTSD and depression? Why do those of us that suffer from mental health issues get told we're crazy or, my personal "favorite", "it's all in our head" and to "just get over it". All I can do is bite my tongue, roll my eyes and occasionally tell someone just how wrong they are. At the end of the day my depression is a chemical imbalance in my brain that needs to be treated or in some cases with the seasonal depression also a lack of vitamin D and sunlight. That all sounds clinical right? So why are people so quick to brush it off?
I am personally done with it, no more will I hide my issues or my story that is making me who I am. Would I have chosen this path for myself? Do I think my parents or siblings would have? No, but the fact of the matter is, it is MY PATH and all I can do from here is take charge and make myself a better person for it. Has someone who is a rape victim, this gives my attacker power that is not his right to have and he probably doesn't even know or care that he has it.
If you are reading this and feeling ashamed of something in your past, stop, it is so much easier said than done, I know and it is a process, and it's hard but it CAN be done.
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
Introduction!
I am so excited to be blogging! So here it is, my first post. Time to open up to the world. This blog will be centered around my story, and experiences with mental health issues. I hope to show others they are not alone in this battle and there is hope, also to help break the stigma that comes with mental health issues.
Here is some background on me. I am a 24 year old woman, I love animals, reading and cooking. I am from Indiana, born and raised. I have 4 brothers, 3 older and my twin, Mr. P, who is autistic. I have a dog, Lady and a cat, Mowgli. The two are my kids, each with their own personality and story.
Now for the hard part about this blog, time to say what those mental health issues I mentioned are. I have PTSD and depression. Life with both isn't always easy, but I'm learning to cope and deal. I have had my bad times and am battling through one right now, but I have my fight and I will make it through.
Well that's it for tonight folks, have a Happy New Year, hope it brings good things to you! Can't wait to make the next post.
Here is some background on me. I am a 24 year old woman, I love animals, reading and cooking. I am from Indiana, born and raised. I have 4 brothers, 3 older and my twin, Mr. P, who is autistic. I have a dog, Lady and a cat, Mowgli. The two are my kids, each with their own personality and story.
Now for the hard part about this blog, time to say what those mental health issues I mentioned are. I have PTSD and depression. Life with both isn't always easy, but I'm learning to cope and deal. I have had my bad times and am battling through one right now, but I have my fight and I will make it through.
Well that's it for tonight folks, have a Happy New Year, hope it brings good things to you! Can't wait to make the next post.
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